I would like to share a story with you; one that my dear Grandmother Coddington has shared with me many times over the years. She, of course, could tell it to you much better than I can. I will try to explain it as she would and share some thoughts I have recently had after reflecting on this story again.
When she was a newlywed she was upset with my grandfather because never said he was sorry about anything. One day, she shared this with her mother and told her how unhappy she was about it. She wanted him to apologize when he did something to offend her. My great-grandma told her to stop complaining and realize that she couldn’t always have things her way and to accept my grandfather the way he was, a very quiet, gentle man who didn’t say much at all. My grandmother went home and spent some time reflecting on what her mother said and came to the realization that although my grandfather never said the words, “I’m sorry”, he did say he was sorry by doing the dishes or vacuuming instead. After realizing that her dear sweetie was telling her sorry and showing her love, not in words, but in actions she never complained about it again.
There are many books from psychologists today that have “come up” with ideas about how to speak to our mates so they understand. They suggest that we are supposed to try and speak to our partners in their language to be sure we are understood. It is a good concept and I understand it. Inherently, I don’t think that there is a problem with the concept, I have even put it into practice myself. I have also recommended these books to other married couples for years. But, now I wonder about the concept and is this the best way to communicate with our husbands?
Recently, when re-evaluating the way I treat my husband I thought about this story and what I find interesting is that my grandmother didn’t try to convince my grandfather to say, in words, that he was sorry, nor did she continue to feel sorry for herself because he didn’t do it. She didn’t run out and buy the books and leave them for her darling to read (guilty here) or even decide to read it “with” him. She took her mother’s advice and went home accepted her husband the way God made him and lived with it. She made the change herself. She chose to see the way my grandfather spoke love to her and accepted it. My grandparents have been very happily married for 61 ½ years, as of this writing, and they are still going strong. They are a testimony of a great marriage that has grown stronger over the decades and persevered through several wars, loss of businesses and family, and many other struggles. I know that I can learn a lot from their example and by sharing this story I hope that you can too.
I am coming to the conclusion that we tend to look for reasons to not love or obey or whatever in our relationships with our husbands. If we stopped coming up with excuses as to why our particular relationship doesn’t work or why we can’t live with the situation we are in and we focused on changing our own hearts, our relationships would be much better. Issues we face every day can either be difficult to deal with, if we want to make them that way, or they can be made easier by changing our viewpoint on them. We have the choice to build up our husbands or to tear them down. We can nag and complain that they don’t say or do what we want them to do or we can choose love by working on our own hearts and accept our husbands the way they are, letting God change their hearts.
Now, I understand that in extreme cases, such as abuse, that it is not possible to just change our thinking. At the same time though, I do know of women who have done that and found God blessed their loving attitude toward their husband and brought about miraculous changes in the abusive man. God has the right and ability to change any situation we find ourselves in and He often does so, when we are seeking to be Christ-like in all our attitudes.
So let’s make the conscience choice to choose love and accept our husbands the way they are. Let’s allow God to change our hearts and theirs. We serve a miraculous God and He has the ability to change hearts and He will reward our right attitude and behavior toward our husbands.
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