I was raised in a Christian home. My parents taught me from the time I was tiny about Jesus and His love for me. I attended youth group and church all through high school and actively shared Christ with my friends. When I turned eighteen, my parents encouraged me to go to college. In our thinking, the goal was for me to gain a good education and independence. During that time I was encouraged by independent thinking and I learned that I could be under my own authority to survive. It was at this time that I stepped out from under my father’s authority, I respected his opinion and still listened to what he said, but for the most part was independent from him. When I moved out of state and lived on my own, I became more set in my ways. This has made it very difficult for me to live under my husband’s authority now. We will get to that in just a moment.
My mother was home for the majority of my young life and then went back to work when I was twelve. My younger brothers grew up without having her home all day and I saw a difference in how we were raised. Because of this difference and seeing the tremendous impact a stay-at-home mother had on her children, I became determined to stay-at-home as a wife and mother. As a newlywed I focused on decorating our little town-home, creatively cooking, and keeping-house. I also followed after a number of other pursuits including being a foster mother, selling stamps and scrapbook supplies, going to women’s prayer groups and studies, doing all kinds of good church activities and teaching art to homeschoolers, to name a few. I figured that as long as I was taking care of my home, feeding and submitting to my husband I was being a biblical woman; that it wouldn’t matter if I was doing “my own thing on my own time.” I was married, but still living as if I was an independent woman–I had an independent spirit.
I knew it was best for me to stay at home and I knew I needed to submit to my husband, but I didn’t necessarily know what this meant or how it was lived out day to day. I didn’t mind him being the leader. He rarely ever put his foot down about things, so it was easy. I was supportive of his job changes, job losses and even spent lots of time listening to details of his job like how to design box culverts and what bridge spans are. I know more about bridge design than I really care to know. I was being supportive. I loved him more than I knew I could love anyone. I tried really hard not to manipulate him or control him in any way. I thought I was being a submissive wife overall. I didn’t realize that there was more to submission than just listening to him when he would put his foot down. Every time I questioned him, he’d change his mind, give in, and do what I wanted or thought. I didn’t necessarily TRY to do this; it was natural and happened at times when I didn’t even realize it. By the way, do you think this sounds like manipulation?
Slowly but surely, my independent spirit continued to grow. I liked having my own time to do things I like to do and never considered the effect it might have on our marriage. I didn’t think about the little ways I was pushing my husband away by wanting my own space and time to myself. I was also irreverent to him in a lot of ways. Although, I still didn’t think that I had an independent spirit. To me an independent spirit was exemplified in women like Jezebel (I Kings 21:25-26), women were hard, negative, and controlling beyond all belief, women who pursue a life outside of their home and marriage. Women, who at every opportunity they were with others, complained about their husbands and ran them down in public. Women who out right said they would never submit to any man. That is what an independent spirit looked like to me. I didn’t know there were other characteristics.
This spirit recently became obvious and reared its ugly head after the birth of our dear daughter. With the addition of a little one, who has been a blessing and a challenge, I found myself struggling with needing to do something constantly for this precious girl. I was angry at having to be “stuck” at home, alone, dealing with a high-need child. I was angry with God for making me a woman because the Scriptural principle is for women to be at home, although I did not want to work outside the home. (Titus 2:4-5). I was angry with my husband for getting to leave and have a break from our daughter. I was angry that he wasn’t the spiritual leader of our home that I thought he should be, so I became very disrespectful to him. I wanted my husband to love me, but I didn’t want to reverence him (Eph. 5:33). I was angry at the fact that I was angry for something I’ve been wanting and hoping for. I was being self-centered in almost everything. All of this was challenged even more when my dear sweet husband decided to take a new job that required us to move to a new city. I felt even more lonely, confused, and angry.
Then God began to work in my heart. I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. I read a verse in Proverbs that really struck the core of my being, and even as I write this now, brings me to tears. “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” (Proverbs 14:1) I saw myself in the foolish woman. I was tearing down my home by all these things I was doing. I also realized that my daughter was learning from me to be angry and to not respect her dad. I knew I didn’t want her to get to the middle of her 30s, seven to ten years into her marriage (or worse yet, one or two years) and feel she was starting over learning how to be a Godly wife and mother like I was. I knew the end product of what I wanted for her life as a young woman, but I didn’t know how to show her to the path.
God also showed me where my thinking was wrong; that I was struggling because I didn’t see being a wife and mother as a joyful blessing. I wasn’t content with the life He gave me and therefore I could not see much joy in anything. God showed me that there is fulfillment in pursuing His high calling on my life as a wife and mother, but in order to find it I needed to let Him change my heart completely. I needed to see my role through His eyes. I needed to confess my sinful, hateful thoughts and to give up trying to change my husband’s heart and work on my own. I needed to continually seek His wisdom and strength to be this woman.
Another challenge I faced was realizing that this pursuit of biblical womanhood was going to mean that God was “calling me out from the rest” (Titus 2:11-12). That He wanted me to stand against the cultural norm. He wanted me to go back to His Word and LIVE the passages that cause so much controversy, even in the church, like the one that tells me to submit to my husband and to reverence him whether he deserves it or not. I now see in Scripture that women should be under some authority, first their father’s and then their husband’s (Eph. 5:22-24; 5:33; Col. 3:18) Passages that say women are to be keepers of the home, to dress modestly, to be of sober mind, to love their children, and to be pure, having a gentle quiet spirit (I Tim. 2:9-15, Titus 2:4-5, I Pet. 3:1-6). So I’ve been studying, learning and applying all of this to my life.
I do not have biblical womanhood all figured out, nor have I attained it, but I am growing. I hope that you are encouraged and maybe even challenged to look at some of these issues yourself. For now I will end; I’ve said enough. I’m sure there will be more “chapters” in this journey. So feel free to check back and see how I’m doing. And maybe, just maybe I can offer you some love and encouragement too.
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